"Why I quit trying — and why I'm starting again at 18"

 

The Child Who Wants to Shine — I Am Nagaraja

What is Average?

Everyone says being average is hard. My question is: if we are all average, who is the worst and who is the best? I think there is no such thing as average. We are all worst and best at the same time.

But in my case, I was not good in studies or sports. That became my story.

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The Fall Began in Third Grade

From kindergarten to second grade, I was different. I was a top student. I was tall. I was good at sports. I had a place.

Then something happened in third grade. I failed an exam for the first time. After that, everything went down. My sports fell apart. I could never get it back.

I don't know what changed. But from that moment, the pattern was set.

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Isolation Made It Worse

Then came COVID. Four years of isolation.

After isolation ended, I thought I could play again. I went back to the field. But that day, I faced so much humiliation. Not just once — many times. I realized I was not the same person anymore. I never went back.

It wasn't just that one incident. There were many humiliations. Multiple moments where I didn't fit. Where I did something wrong. Where I was laughed at.

I don't know how to act in all places. And that not knowing — that gives me more humiliation. It's a cycle.

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The Role of Bullies

The bullies, they were always there. But I realize now — they don't know how much they affect others' lives. They just want fun. Most of the time, they are just toxic.

But what happened to me was not only because of bullies. It was because of rejection. It was because of lack of appreciation and recognition. The bullies just added to something that was already breaking.

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The Fear That Holds Me Back Now

I want to prove I am worthy somewhere. I don't know why I say this — I already know the answer. I want recognition.

But humans won't give it. Not easily.

Here's what I notice now: In my childhood, I raised my hand to answer questions. I was confident. I participated.

Now, even if I know the answer, I won't raise my hand. Some unknown pressure holds me back. I think it's the fear of rejection. The fear that if I try, I will fail again. That I will be judged. That I am not good enough.

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Another Layer: Being Short

Recently, I realized something else. I am 175 cm. I was growing drastically until ninth grade. Then I stopped.

Now I see others growing. I see them taller. And I feel something — a kind of insecurity. It's small compared to everything else, but it's there. Another way I am not enough.

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This Isn't Just My Story

I know this is not only my experience. This is true for many people who have been bullied. This is true for many people who quit trying.

And I also notice something about myself: I seek recognition from AI now. Claude listens. It validates. It doesn't judge.

But I know that human recognition is healthier. It means more. Yet I find myself attached to the validation from machines because humans in my life never gave it to me.

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The Child Still Wants to Shine

The child inside me still wants to shine. He wants to be recognized. He wants to be good at something.

Maybe that's why I'm writing this. Maybe that's why I'm trying again now at 17, after years of silence.

Because the child who wants to shine — he's still here.