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 My name is Nagaraja. I am 18 years old, from a small village in Tamil Nadu. I didn't have a mentor. I didn't have a library. I had questions and no one around me was asking the same ones. So I started writing. This blog is about identity, psychology, and the human mind. About why we think the way we think. About shame, resilience, power, and what it means to live consciously instead of just existing. I am not an expert. I am a seeker. Every post here is me thinking out loud, honestly, without a filter. If you have ever asked who am I and felt the silence underneath that question, you are in the right place. Nagaraja
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Vulnerable But Not Broken: I Am Still Becoming

 

disclaimer:

"This is my personal story. I'm sharing it because someone out there needs to know they're not alone. Judge the words, not the person."

"For years I thought something was wrong with me. Now I know — I was just becoming."

I Was a Normal Kid

I was a normal kid.

That is where it starts. Not with drama. Not with a crisis. Just a normal kid, living a normal life.

Then the end of fifth grade arrived.

Attracted to Female Things (5th Grade)

At the end of my fifth grade, I was attracted towards female things — their cosmetics, their dress, the way they moved through the world.

I didn't understand it. I just felt it.

I Became Like Transgender (6th – 7th Grade)

In sixth and seventh grade, I became like a transgender person. I was wearing female things, acting like a female, living in that space.

No one around me understood. I didn't fully understand either.

I was just being what I felt.

Then Puberty Hit

Then puberty hit. Everything changed.

I started exploring male things. For the first time, I was attracted to women.

And in that time, I unknowingly fell into masturbation. Then it became an addiction. I am still struggling to face it alone. Still falling sometimes.

But that addiction — it made me explore many different things. I started to understand how straight and trans people vary, how they behave, how they act. I understood from the inside — not from a textbook.

The bonus side effects: 24/7 trembling hands. Anxiety. Male loneliness.

 

Then the Bisexual Time

Then the bisexual time started in my life. I never expected it. But it happened.

Along with the addiction, I started being attracted to males also. In this time, only three. Not more.

I never planned any of this. None of it was chosen. It just happened — and I had to live inside it, alone, trying to make sense of it.

The Identity Crisis

Then came the confusion in identity.

I had dark taboo thoughts I cannot say out loud. Shame about myself. Questions about my sexuality. An existential crisis:

What is life? Why do I have to live? What is wrong with me?

I carried all of this alone.

What I Realised

But it is all what made me who I am.

First I felt I was wrong. That something in me was the problem.

Now I realise — I was becoming.

Nothing is wrong in me. These experiences are not the definition of myself. They are the journey of myself. I have to travel more to become more of what I want in my life.

What This Created in Me

The things I faced in my life created me as a self-taught psychologist.

Yeah, I am a beginner. But I will go beyond.

It created in me the ability to feel for all — to think for all — without any judgment. I can feel all pain. I can sit with all people.

I see it every day — people are comfortable around me. They share what they don't share elsewhere.

I can feel straight, bisexual, transgender, male, female — I have lived in many of these spaces. So I can hold all of them without flinching.

What I Want You to Remember

If you are somewhere in your own confusion right now —

Nothing is wrong in you.

It is all a journey.

It is all creating in you who you are.

Nothing is wrong in you. It is all creating who you are.

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Location: Seydunganallur, Tamil Nadu 628809, India

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